For years my mother told me she didn’t care for Mother’s Day. The way she put it is, she wasn’t really into it. When I was a child my mom was not into celebrating holidays. We did nothing special for Christmas, Easter, or any other holiday. Mother’s Day was a marketing thing I thought, unsentimentally, and I could understand her not being much into it.
This year, like so many other surprises, Mom wanted me to come home early with or without my partner, from my time at his home. It was really important to her. I was incredibly irritated at the request and just couldn’t understand why she asked. She had been making requests more recently for me to come home a day or so earlier from my time away at his home. You have to understand, when my mother retired, she moved out of state from the East Coast to the Midwest, on her own. I, an only child had to beg her to come home after two years. Now seven years and one pandemic later, she needs me around more, and I just can’t wrap my head around this new person who used to be so independent.
Mom is going to be 77 in a few months. It was in talking with a friend and former colleague who is retired that reminded me that all of us have changed somewhat over this past pandemic year. My friend also said, things look different when you get older, and that really gave me pause. It’s something I couldn’t relate to at 53 years old, but she could as an older person.
As soon as my mom asked me the day before to come home for part of Mother’s day, I really put up a resistance. Truth be told I just didn’t want to come home early. I felt she was changing expectations on a dime. All these years Mother’s Day wasn’t of interest, and now you want me to do something different. Mind you, I’m not a complete monster, if just a little bit of one. In my weak defense, I had left her a card and gift before I left, for what it’s worth. But I also have the constant struggle of wanting to preserve my private time with my partner and to have my mother understand that. She is quite independent and not someone in need of physical care.
That said, with my simmering resentment, the small still voice that sometimes talks to me — yep, I have one of those — said to me: You may resent it, you may not want to do it. But, your mother needs it so you’ll suck it up, and go spend part of the day at home with her because she’s expressed that it’s important to her. That’s the other part that’s changed with my mother, it has always been hard for her to ask for anything, or to express vulnerability. But she has been doing that more so this past year. Part of the resistance for me is that just because she asks for something I don’t want her to think I have to do it every time, if I just can’t. I don’t want to start repressing resentment. But this time I could, and my partner is very accommodating especially when it comes to my mother.
I had to tame that monster. It’s a daily challenge that requires me to reframe. I’m learning that the resentment may be there, but I need to tame it and where I can. We only have so much time with our parents, and this is the only time we have. I just decided, if the old lady needs this thing, just do it unless it’s completely impossible. So, the evening before, I called her back and told her I would be home to spend some of Mother’s Day with her. She texted me back a note thanking me, again, expressing vulnerability, I thought.
I share this story so others who are dealing with caregiver issues may see some recognition of their own issues. I have an idea of how hard it is. For some caregivers there are even more difficulties than these little ones I have shared.
The lesson for me — I am trying to be aware that as difficult as it is for me to acquiesce to some things, it must be even harder for the older person to express a need. Where I can, I am *trying* to suck it up and do what I can, being mindful that I have more of the power, and so I need to manage that power carefully. Every day is a journey, and with the advice my mom has given me all my life, I “Take one day at a time, one step at a time”.
